Hello

 I have been having some issues with getting my balls rolling. I always theorize about what to do and always get stuck on the planning stage of all of my projects. Last Christmas a dear friend of mine gifted me this cute little brown notebook. Little does she know how much it has meant to me over the past few months. I only use to write down ideas that i truly like. Most importantly it has helped me be calmer about not getting all of my ideas going. It has helped me realize that i can just be a dreamer at night. Of course the anxiety over not getting anything done has persisted. The dread over not being productive with life and reaching my deathbed with nothing to show has been ever growing. As of late i have been visiting a psychiatrist and psychologist. My meds have made me feel much more lighthearted (Im not trying to recruit you into getting them) which in turn has given me more breathing space. Space that i have been able to use for expressing my thoughts and leaving emotions behind. I have begun being practical about my planning and goals. 
I also have realized that i can't maintain many friendships because they dont last through my depressive episodes. I get too distant which i need to find comfort. I don't like talking to people about these things and during these times i find it hard to enjoy people's presence. Creating conversations becomes the hardest thing possible. Most of the time I can seem very open about everything but im not really. Which keeps all of my friendships in a superficial get to know you phase. Its hard to find friends who don't mind giving me space then remembering to come back around to check up on me. And i'm not the type to feel comfortable enough to distance people then ask them to come back around when i want them to. It always feels selfish and arrogant. But i swear by everything that it is not how it is meant. I just really need the space and isolation. I have only two true friends who can go through the periods of distancing because they have strong personalities and can stand being alone from time to time. 
"Last but not least" i have set my mind to beginning a journey of self exploration and self development. I have determined that i will begin a vlog as raw and true to my inner thoughts as possible. I need this just as much as you need this blog. So together I'm happy we are beginning our tough journeys to improving and refining our selves. 
Your dear friend, 
Tardigrade